I had alcohol cravings this weekend for the first time in a long time. And honestly, it was more about just wanting to be normal than the actual drink.
I had an alumni lacrosse game at my high school and everyone went to get food afterward at a bar. Whether or not they intended on drinking, I'm not sure, but I wasn't comfortable going.
Having had a problem with drinking, I have no business being in a bar, especially in early sobriety and when I want to drink.
I want to be able to go have a drink or two and stop after that. I started feeling sorry for myself and was just incredibly frustrated with my situation.
When I sat back and thought about it, the truth is I never in my life have wanted just one drink. Sure sometimes I want to be "normal", but I never enjoyed drinking "normally" so I never did.
When I start using anything, I can't stop. And that's one of the signs of alcoholism.
Luckily I am very aware of this so I make sure not to put myself in dangerous situations. Being in early sobriety and having had a history of an alcohol problem, I need to be extra cautious.
Most days I feel grateful to be in recovery and grateful for what I've been through. But on occasion I just wish I didn't have a problem with alcohol and could be normal.