by Margy

I am scared of my sponsor. The meetings I go to are hard core and harsh and so is my sponsor. I feel vulnerable and scared. I want to work the steps in a more loving hopeful environment. Can I fire my sponsor? Is my sponsor supposed to beat me down?

Hi Margy, Thanks for your question. The first thing that is important to remember is that everyone is different. Some people might like having a tough sponsor and feel as though it is helpful for them. It doesn't sound like this is helpful for you, though, which is what is important.

It's normal to feel scared and to feel vulnerable, but if you are SO scared and vulnerable that you don't even want to be in the meetings or work the steps anymore, it seems as though that would be a bit counterproductive. My advice is to look around for meetings that you feel safe and comfortable in. It may still be scary, but these meetings really should be a place where you feel safe.

I don't really think there are any 'bad' meetings, but I do think that some people feel more of a connection and feel safer in certain meetings and not in others. Again, I suggest going to some new meetings and trying to find a place where you can feel safe. Reach out to people in the meetings and try to make connections with them. Give each meeting a fair chance and don't judge it by the first few minutes of the meeting. I am confident that you can find meetings that you really like and feel safe and comfortable in!

As for your
sponsor, this is also different for everyone. It sounds like you truly want to work the steps but just aren't comfortable with your sponsor's methods. It's perfectly okay for you to talk to your sponsor and tell them you are going to try to find a new sponsor. If you are feeling beaten down and are feeling like this isn't helping you, it sounds like you might be better trying to find someone you can relate to more and can feel comfortable with. it's important that you are able to be open and honest with your sponsor, and from what you are saying it sounds as though you might not be comfortable doing this.

Many people go through numerous sponsors during their sobriety. Sometimes you think someone is a good match for you and they end up not being a good match. There is nothing wrong with that. I would just suggest talking to your sponsor and letting them know that you want to find someone new. The other option is to talk to your sponsor and explain what you aren't comfortable with, and maybe the two of you can work it out. But - if this isn't possible, don't be afraid to look for someone new.

Just make sure you are open and honest and are trying to connect with people. You will find meetings you like and feel safe in, and you will find someone who can be your sponsor that you can trust and be honest with. It took me a while to find people I really connected with and to find the meetings that I really liked.

I hope I could help!
Take care and good luck!


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