The following entries were written when I was in a drug addiction rehab center following a relapse. It was a difficult time, but was a very pivotal time in my journey to a long-lasting life of sobriety. I want to share it with you.
At the end of this page, there are several links to additional pages, many of which I wrote during other difficult times. I hope they will be useful to you if you are struggling also.
Sunday August 15th 2010
I am in a drug addiction rehab center. I've been here since Wednesday night, and quite honestly, I'm surprised my parents and Sam really made me stay. I'm trying to just accept that I'm stuck here and make the best of it. I've been thinking about home and writing has been too hard so far because it makes me upset. But I'm trying. I opened the journal and saw a picture of me and Sam and it makes me really sad. I miss him and home so much it's unbearable, but I also feel horrible beyond words for what I've put him and my family through.
Wednesday August 18th 2010
I'm still here at the drug addiction rehab center. It's not that bad, honestly. At this point, I'm just really confused about eveything. I feel weird about being here. I feel weird about being sober. I feel weird about going home to Sam. I'm too scared to go home right now even if someone would pick me up, because I'm pretty sure I wouldn't be able to stay sober. I know I probably need the help of a drug addiction rehab center right now if I am going to survive.
Thursday August 19th 2010
Day 9 in this drug addiction rehab center. I still can't really believe I'm here. I walk around all day feeling like I'm stuck in some weird sort of twilight zone. I go to all my groups and am trying to get the most out of being here, but it just all feels so surreal.
One minute I had everything I wanted, or at least everything I thought I wanted. I had school, Sam, trust, family support, money, self respect ...I actually felt good about myself.
I know I was having a hard time with cravings. but I really had everything. And somehow,, it's now day 9 rehab. It's just a lot to take in. I try not to think too much and I try to enjoy myself a bit, but it's just so weird to be here.
I was supposed to be in West Virginia right now celebrating my Grandmother's birthday with the family. I feel guilty about not being there, and I feel guilty for putting my parents and Sam through this, and for putting my little brother through this. Being in a drug addiction rehab center makes everything seem a lot more real and a lot more serious. Things got bad last year and I got sober, but it just feels weird and really different this time.
Nights are hard. I get really down, but I'm trying to just clear my head and get some sleep. I haven't slept alone in a really long time, and it's hard to fall asleep without Sam. I saw Sam today, so it's kind of throwing me off. It makes me miss home a lot and want to get out of here. But I'm trying to stay positive. I'm grateful that I got to see him and I'm grateful to be sober today.
Friday August 20th 2010
The days pass really slowly here. I feel like I've been here for weeks. I am really anxious and really homesick tonight. I don't want to write, but I want to be able to look back on this time and realize how much I never want to be in a drug addiction rehab center again.
Saturday August 28th
I have been in alcohol addiction rehab treatment for 13 days now. For the most part, I'm pretty used to being here. I've gotten to know people and I've gotten used to the schedule. I go to pretty much all the groups and meetings and I have been making myself share as much as I can. I know I still need to get my hand up more, but I'm working on it.
My insurance is covering me through Tuesday and then they'll review it again to tell me if I get more time or not. Then I have to see about PHP and outpatient and decide if I'll go to the transition house or not.
I can't stop thinking about getting high. Today and yesterday I've had really bad cravings. It's insane that I'm sitting in rehab thinking about getting high. I still can't even believe I'm here. I feel better and like I'm in less of a fog, but it's still so surreal. I feel like I was just picked up out of my life and thrown into some other world.
Thursday September 2nd 2010
I leave here on Tuesday. I will be going to the transition house so I can do PHP (Partial Hospitalization Program) and because people tell me it will be beneficial. I want to go home, but another week or two can't hurt. Then I get to go home!
I was asked to share my story with the community here at the drug addiction rehab center last night. I was incredibly nervous and I hate speaking in front of people, but agreed to do it anyway because I was told that if someone asks you to fill a commitment you don't say no.
I felt good after I shared. I was honest. It was very difficult, but I felt a huge weight lifted just from being so honest. People were so nice and gave me such great feedback. I feel like I was able to help a lot of people just by honestly sharing my story, and that feels really good.
Monday September 6th
Today is my last day in rehab. Sometime tomorrow I'm going over to the transition house. I really wish I could just go home, but I'm trying to do what I'm told because I really want to stay clean. They have strongly suggested the transitional living program. Change is always scary and I really don't want to leave just yet.
I really want to get high. The cravings are so much stronger this time around. I'm also still really embarrassed - I don't want to walk into meetings and see people I know and tell them I relapsed. Many of them know already, but I still feel really embarrassed. But I do want to stay clean, so I will put those feelings aside and just do what I'm told.
I saw Sam yesterday. It was really great to see him. I miss him and home so much. I can't wait to go home. But I'm also scared to go home. I'm disappointed that I won't be in school this semester, but it will give me time to relax and get to meetings and stuff.