I came back from hell.

by Ash

I was 20 year old when I started with roxy's just here and now parting every once in a while. But after being in an abusive relationship and having my head busted open it was my only way to escape the pain. After a month of staying away from him and feeling he had changed and I was so "in love" I took him back.

He had started shooting up in that month and quickly took me with him down that road. And I fell in love with the needle and roxy's. I kept it hidden from everyone for a while. My parents just thinking I was having a hard time with life and my 2 kids; bailed me out any time. I spent all my money on drugs.

In July of 2010 I tried to stop on my own. And with my depression and craving the drugs I tried to take my own life. And the truth came to the light when they went through my phone to see what would make me do this. I lied to doctors about everything and got out with no help. I got right back into using every day until I lost my home and staying with a friend with my daughter while my son had to stay with my mother. I lost everyone; at this time people were sick of my borrowing money and taking forever to pay them back.

So I started stealing from stores to get what I need for myself and to sell so I could get more drugs. I missed my son's birthday party because my ex and me thought lets get high then go and just never went. The fighting with my boyfriend never stopped. I was hit, kicked, and mentally abused every day. The pills gave me this courage to stand up to him and fight back. So we both were arrested and then dropped the charged against each other every time.

I got my own place again but a month after moving in I was arrested for shop lifting. By this time my family and all but a few friends gave up on me. 5 days later my boyfriend bailed me out of jail. But DCF had learned everything and didn't care. I had already agreed with my mother until I stopped using she would have custody of my kids. They were taken from me that 1st day of December. But we both kept getting high and fighting.

He finally signed the bond over to my mother who pulled it 2 days later because she wanted to teach me a lesson and get me into a treatment center. I missed every holiday that year. And spending Christmas in jail killed me. My mother finally found a free out patient treatment center that would not charge me. The day before she bonded me out of jail and took me home so I could shower and get ready to have Christmas with my kids.

In between that time I called my ex who had started using heroin. As soon as my mother and father left with the kids that night he rushed over to show me that high. Needless to say I failed the drug test the next day to be able to get into the treatment center. My mother just gave up on me then and said show up for court and don't call me anymore and gave me a time and date I could visit my kids and that was it.

She also
told me to stick a needle in my arm and overdose no one would miss me. I felt the most depressed and alone I had ever felt and started using more and more. One time I got so high and took a bath that I nearly drowned myself from nodding out in the bath tub. I luckily got drug court for my charges and like any addict could not stop on my own.

So I failed a few drugs test and had to spend the weekends in jail. Finally I felt done with my ex, with my life, with my kids being gone, and that everything was gone. I went to court and said I need help I can't stop. And I was sent to jail for them to send me to an inpatient treatment center. It took a month but I broke up with my ex and was able to detox and think about how much I needed and wanted this sober life.

And in April 2011 I was sent to the worst treatment center with little help from counselors. But it was better than still using and I was able to get my 1st tools to stay clean. I stayed the 6 months but because I had gotten a new boyfriend (who was clean) and had not found a job, they wanted me to stay another month so I walked out. I stayed clean for 2 weeks before I turned myself in to my judge who made me pay by 2 weeks in jail.

I listen to all the women in there about drugs and forgot to listen to everything I had learned in treatment. So when I got out and got into my 1st fight with my boyfriend I went out and got high on coke for my 1st time ever. It was the worst high ever. I thought I had died and i may have came close since I saw my grandfather and another ex who had passed away.

I failed another drug test. My mother turned her back on me again for messing up. I dropped drug court since they would not agree to me moving in with my boyfriend. So I took drug defender probation and moved down south with him. I took everything dcf gave me. They sent me to another outpatient center.

This time I didn't fight, everything she said I would listen tell her I didn't agree but I would try it since it would not hurt me or kill me. I did 90 in 90, found a sponsor, and looked for a home group. And this time it worked. Everything stuck and even people were getting high I was the one dropping them as a friend since I didn't want to lose the chance of sobriety.

And the day after 18 weeks of treatment I got my kids back. And soon another place with boyfriend. My medical problems from all the drugs I have done are on going. And new ones come up all the time. And there are times they write me for the same type of drug I used to use. But I just say no I never want to go down that road again.

I was a story no one though would get this far or still be alive, no one had faith in me. It took a judge, a case worker from drug court, and a great counselor to make me see there was hope and brought it to myself. And so far I've overcome everything.

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