My Journey

by Ray

Hello everyone, My name is ray and I suffer from drug abuse, depression and at the time an untreated mental illness. I'm 23 years old and I've already had a life that I wouldn't wish on my worse enemy. I hope by me sharing my story it will helpng person going through what I have or even stop another young person for going through the same pain I have.

I come from a very dysfunctional family. The abuse for me started at the young age of 4 or 5. My dad didn't think I was his child (and of course I was) so he gave my mother hell for it and used that as an excuse to cheat, hit and verbally abuse my mom, And it lead her right to drugs. When my mom wasn't high she would take her anger out on me and blame me for my father's actions. My older brother on the other hand could do no wrong. He was the golden child but as for me? I could do no right. I never held resentment towards my brother though because he was my biggest cheerleader. But not even he could save me from the abuse I suffered from.

Moving forward as time went on I became a young teenager my depression worsened and my self esteem and self worth was non existent, And that's when I would meet the man who would change my life. which was my brothers friend aka my first drug dealer. He was a pill popper anything he could get his hands on he took. Lower tabs, xanax, asprin etc. He would also crush them and snort them. He told me it would help make me happy and function that if I did them I would never feel sad again. Me being the young teen that I was and seeking happiness and a escape from my pain I listened and little did I realize my life would then be forever changed! father found out about my pill use and tried getting me help ...I was just to stubborn to accept it. He tried putting me in a rehab but I never would stay I thought my life right? And I can live it how I want! Besides it's just pills nothing serious and again I was wrong!

A little more time passed and I met the women who would have my daughter. Before she was born we would argue non stop mainly because I was always high. Are relationship was very dysfunctional. Plus by this time my body had already built up a tolerance from all the pills I was popping and I had slowly graduated to cocaine. Which I felt gave me the best rush ever! It hands down was my favorite drug of choice and off that I thought I could do anything!

When my girlfriend at the time finally did get pregnant with my daughter she wanted nothing to do with me or our child. She wanted an abortion and I had to make a deal with her that if Me and our baby disappears she'll keep it. And I kept my promise.

Of course life just wasn't getting any better I ended up losing my brother to suicide and when I got that news my drug usage just went out of control. My biggest support system was gone and the loneliness just consumed my whole body. I didn't know what to do or who to go too. Finally I decided this endless cycle needs to stop and I tried giving sobriety a chance.

As I was trying
to turn my life around I ended up meeting a women who would change my life for the good, she knew about my past and it didn't scare her all she saw was good in me and potential. She was the first women I've ever met to past my drug abuse past my mental issues and just look at me as normal. I couldn't help but fall in love with her she made it easy too, but of course all good things must end right? At least that's how I use to think. Even though she treated me as a normal man I wasn't I had problems and I needed help for them and her alone just couldn't help me. I wasn't ready to be the man she knew I could be. I was still in my past my demons still haunted me and finally she gave up her fight for me. What hurts me the most is I never got to let her know how thankful I am to her for showing me love at a time no one else did. I did so much damage to our relationship she couldn't even bare to be my friend and that friendship is one I don't believe I can ever mend.

When she left I just couldn't handle heartbreak like a normal person would and I immediately went back to what I was familiar to drugs, drinking and acting a fool. I wasn't eating, showering nothing I lost so much weight and my depression was at an all time high and I finally decided to use one of the most dangerous drugs I could put in my body heroin. Boy oh boy I did whatever I could to get high! I stole sold my own belongings I've even slept in alleyways because I was to blasted to even make it home. I had officially hit rock bottom!

The final straw was when I woke up in a hospital from an overdose. My cousin had told me my daughter had seen everything and right from there my heart sunk. What have I done? I had made a promise to myself that my daughter would never see me high or me be around her high and I broke both promises. I ended up losing custody of my daughter for awhile I knew then enough is enough!

I'm happy to report I have been 3 years clean and my anniversary is Aug 10th. So yes I just celebrated my 3rd year =) my daughter is 5 going on 6 in Sept and it amazes me how smart she is and how beautiful she gets every day. I will be graduating college in the spring of 2015 with my associates degree. My dream is to become an addiction counselor and I won't stop until I have my masters. Me and my daughter's mom are now friends and she is in my daughter's life which didn't happen over night. I have a sponsor and also sponsor others. I go to meetings twice a week and have seeked help for my depression and the Illness I suffer from. I'm just happy to be high off life and not drugs!

Please to any young person reading this get help if you are suffering from any type of addiction! Food, drugs, liquor anything! It's not worth it! We as people are all so beautiful we are all a success story! And if you feel nobody has your back I do! You have the play book all you gotta do is make it happen! Peace to all thank you for reading my story!

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