One of my counselors gave me an exercise to do, sort of a pros and cons of alcohol and drugs page. She suggested I write one page which is "home" Rae - like the positives of being sober and living with Sam, etc. ...and then a page of 'Other Rae" - the part of me that wants to use and not be tied down, etc. The "Other Rae" is somewhat dramatic and exaggerated, but that was part of the exercise.
*I want to be clean.
*I enjoy being clean.
*I like people trusting me
*I like having my friends, family, and Sam respect me.
*I like being with Sam and no one else.
*I like how it feels to be faithful and honest.
*I like not having a guilty conscience
*I like being able to be proud of who I am and what I'm doing.
*I like going to meetings and working on my recovery and trying to become the best person that I can be and help with the movement to stop drug addiction.
*I enjoy spending time with my family and being able to be dependable and have them rely on me.
*I am okay with the life I have now and I am happy living with Sam and being responsible.
*I'm okay not going out all the time and I am happy that I'm not getting high and suffering from the effects of alcohol and the effects of addiction.
*I enjoy just relaxing and taking it easy - spending time just talking and hanging out with the people that I care about and not have to worry about alcohol and its effects.
*I know that living this way is much better than living the way I used to.
*I'm happy to be back in school and to be actually working towards something. I have goals and motivation to finish school. I'm glad that I took the semester off in the fall. It gave me a chance to get clean and get myself together. It also allowed me to save a lot of money by switching schools. I wasn't happy about taking the fall off because I felt like I had failed in some way, but I think it was the right thing to do. I had to sort of put my ego aside for a minute and really do the best thing for me.
*Working for my Mom kept me busy and also allowed me to get closer to her, which I am grateful for. Working there helped me a lot, but I also think it helped her a lot, too.
*Overall, I have a great life and I am so happy and grateful. I can't ask for too much more, and honestly, there's not really anything else that I need. I don't even need to think about the pros and cons of alcohol and drugs. There are no pros.
*All I really want to do is drink and get high and not worry about alcohol abuse effects
*There is other stuff I care about, but nothing feels as good as getting high.
*I don't really care that much about the negative consequences, the disadvantages of alcohol
* I want to be with Sam, but I also want to be able to do whatever I want and not worry about alcoholism effects on family
*Basically, I just want to be able to do whatever I want and still know that Sam will be with me. It's not even necessarily that I want to be with other people. I just don't want to have to ever think about the pros and cons of alcohol and drugs.
*I just enjoy the drama and enjoy the secrecy involved with drug abuse and addiction
*Sometimes I honestly enjoy the lying and the cheating. It's all part of this lifestyle that I am missing, and part of me loves it. I don't really feel guilty about cheating unless I get caught. I do love him and don't want to hurt him - but I also just don't care about the effects of alcohol and relationships
*I want to do what I want, and not have to feel guilty about it. I don't really want to be faithful, I just don't want to get caught.
*I don't really want to be clean, I just don't want to deal with all the crap I get from people if I'm not clean.
*School is important but I did perfectly fine in school while I was drinking and getting high. I truly believe that I could still do well in school even if I weren't sober. I don't really think it would cause me that many problems. I've become quite good at hiding the negative effects of alcohol and drugs.
*I'm also pretty sure I could start using again and no one would even know. I've gotten pretty good at pretending and hiding the bad effects of alcohol and drugs.
*Basically, I want what I want, when I want it, regardless of the damage it does to anyone else; I care about myself, not about the families of drug addicts
Looking back over my list of Pros and Cons of Alcohol and Drugs often helps me see more clearly the difference between the two Rae's and know absolutely which one I want to continue being. Perhaps this exercise could help you too.