Rebuilding trust after lying about using Demerol

My husband had been addicted to Demerol for about 10 years. It got real bad in 2010 & we separated because he wouldn't get help. He finally went to a rehab for 30 days. When he came back we moved back in together and things were great for a little while. Then about 2 months ago I found out he'd been going for shots at least 5 times in the 6 months he had been home. He lied to me again. He just finished another 30 day rehab and gets mad at me for questioning him when I think he is acting strange and my be using. I don't trust him. It will take time and effort on his part to earn it back. He feels that I shouldn't question him and should trust him now. Please help?







Hi,
Thanks for writing in. What you are describing is a very common situation that people go through after treatment. I can really only speak from experience, but I will give you my thoughts.


When I got back from rehab, I knew that my husband had every right to question me and not trust me. I had to make the decision to try to make our relationship work, and I knew that this meant allowing him to be suspicious and allowing him to not trust me for the time being.


It took a very, very long time for him to get over all of the lies and the broken promises and etc, but he did get over it, only because I promised myself that I would try to be as patient with him as possible (just as he had been patient with me). If he wanted to know where I was going, I told him and I sent him a picture. If he wanted to know who I was with, I told him and said he could speak with them. If he wanted to come with me somewhere, I was more than happy to have him do so.


There were times when I was frustrated and incredibly annoyed that he didn't trust me, but I knew that it was my fault. I knew that if I waited long enough and just kept doing the right thing, he would eventually come to trust me again. I can truly empathize with your husband's frustrations and I can understand why he might get annoyed and just tell you to trust him, but if the relationship is going to work, your husband needs to realize that the trust isn't going to come back right away.


I think you need to speak with him openly and honestly. Tell him what you need from him, and give him a chance to tell you what he needs as well. It is totally normal that you don't trust him, but he is also entitled to his feelings as well. I felt completely trapped and I felt such a lack of independence when I got back from rehab because of all of the people who didn't trust me.


The relationship is only going to work if both of you are 100 percent dedicated to making it work. I would suggest trying couples counseling - it can be a good way to communicate in a controlled situation.


The best advice I can give is to just try to talk to him and be as honest as possible. Adjusting after coming home from treatment can be really difficult, but that doesn't mean that you have to sacrifice your happiness if you aren't getting what you need from the relationship. Try to give it some time and be patient, but try to have honest and open conversations with your husband about what both of you need to move forward in the relationship.


Good luck! I hope this helped.

Rae

Comments for Rebuilding trust after lying about using Demerol

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Apr 22, 2012
Rebuilding Trust
by: Sharron

My son is a 32-year-old recovering addict and trust has always been an issue for me. The last two years and two months of clean time have been the best ones to date. I've learned to tell him about my fears and inability to trust. Like the person who responded earlier, she realized that trust is something that has to be rebuilt over time. My son is very understanding with my doubts, admitting that he created the situation with his actions, behaviors and addiction. He tires of the lack of trust, but again realizes it's the consequences smacking him in the face.

We were talking one day about his recovery, and I expressed frustration that he wasn't farther along in the process. He looked me square in the eyes and said, "Time takes time, Mom. It won't happen over night. That's why they say 'One Day at a Time.'" That one comment made more sense to me than just about anything I've ever read. Time does indeed take time.

Give your husband time. Let him know of your fears and concerns. Perhaps do what the other person said, have him send a picture, speak to his sponsor or whoever he's with so that he's building a track record of trust.

It's not easy living with an addict. Beverly Conyers wrote two books, An Addict in the Family and Everything Changes: Help for the Newly Recovering Addict. Great resources with practical tips.

Learn to trust him one day at a time...it will happen.

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