recovery day #100

by Anonymous
(Costa Rica)

I'm happy that I have somewhere to share my thoughts and ideas.


I have been struggling just a little when I re-read my story. My goodness, I just got a euphoric recall of what it felt like when I was a dancer and the first time I tried oxy... for some demonic reason, I miss it.

Not just the drug, but the lifestyle.

There must be something fundamentally wrong with me. I know it wasn't as good as I'm making it out to be.

I'm 100 days clean and the destructive effects of drugs are far greater than the short term high.

And still I want it.
I want that feeling

I want to escape

I'm 100 days clean and here I am still desiring the high


And it will never be the same again right?
I mean I'll never be able to recapture that first high


I've also been recently diagnosed with borderline personality disorder...which in my mind I may or may not have.

Sometimes I wish I knew how to live normally and find satisfaction in life the way I did when I was a kid.

Maybe drugs fucked up my ability to be truly happy. Sometimes it feels like the only happiness I knew was on drugs..

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Aug 19, 2011
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Great Job!!!
by: Anonymous

Vanessa,

I am so very proud of you. I actually feel a little odd reaching out to someone I do not know, but I have been in this situation in the past. Help from people who can feel your plight actually did help me. My hubby was the user in my family. When he first went into recovery we had very small children (2 and newborn).

After a few months he would tell people he had a few 24 hours of sobriety. Those few 24 hours have now added up to 13 years. I thank God all the time for the hard work my husband went through as well as me and the children in order to stay straight. We have found joy in other things like funny movies, sporting events, travel or just playing a great game of cards.

I wish you so much peace and serenity in your life and admire your courageousness. I received a lot of judgment in my life for staying married. We separated for a few months and got back after the recovery was in place. I had to ignore the judgment and learn to care about the bigger picture. I also do not drink because I decided to make our household a nondrinking one when he went into recovery. I used to drink socially. Sometimes I would really like to have a social drink, but I don't ever want to tempt my husband. So, sometimes it can be hard for me also.

One thing I can tell you for sure is the absence of the drugs and alcohol in his life has made him far more interesting to me and he seems deeper as a person. I can actually have a meaningful conversation with him. We are truly enjoying raising our children together.

Hang in there with whatever you are doing. It seems to be working. Keep your reading materials nearby. Have a wonderful future.

Jun 23, 2011
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100 days!!
by: Anonymous

congratulations!!!! keep fighting, praying to God and enjoy every moment in life!

May 16, 2011
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THANKS FOR ALL THE SUPPORT
by: Anonymous

WOW ... I never imagined I would get so much help and support from all of you, I am truly grateful for all the kind words.

I'm still hanging in there.. actually this morning I feel great and very happy that I didn't use. I'm trying to hang in there... I know there has to be light at the end of the tunnel... I have seen how dark it gets.

I prayed to God today to let me see the reality and severity of my disease because I'll be honest sometimes I think it wasn't so bad out there. Sometimes I question whether I have a disease... but no one gets hospitalized as many times as I have and is in and out of rehab if they don't have one right?

I'm staying strong... worked on some steps this morning and feel great!

Praying really does help... thank you so much for the help and support, and Rae thanks for having this website!

May 16, 2011
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ESH
by: Anonymous

Listen, from on ex-dancer to another... The cravings to continue the lifestyle is only your disease wanting to self-destruct. It's the same as wanting to use. I have been in recovery for almost 3 years and the issues I deal with from my dancing days, which I thought were awesome, really screwed me up. So don't pick up no matter what! And that means the lifestyle too! It is possible to live a life of dignity and respect for yourself and others. Be careful for beating yourself up too much too, because I know, for me, that is also a tool my disease uses to try to get me down and defenseless. I love you. I need you. And you are beautiful. :) Kristine

May 13, 2011
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One minute at a time cont..
by: Rae

I'm not here to preach - you have been through treatment and I'm sure you have heard a lot of what I am saying right now. All I can say is it's just not worth it to pick up. Your life will not get better, and your problems will not go away. You will not find that first high, and even if you could, is it really worth it? I can't say enough how happy I am today, living clean and sober and really participating in my life today. I don't have to be controlled by drugs and alcohol anymore, and neither do you. Some days are hard - I won't pretend that every day is easy and life is perfect because that's not the case. What I can tell you, though, is that if life in recovery weren't better than life using, then I wouldn't still be sober and I wouldn't have come back to recovery when I relapsed. If everyone who was clean had unbearable cravings everyday and they were not happy, it wouldn't be worth it. But things always pass and things always get better. I will pray for you, and I truly hope you make it through the night. That's all you have to worry about right now - tonight.

Please feel free to write in any time you want. I hope something I have said in here helps even just the tiniest bit. Try praying - even if you don't know what or who you are praying to, it can help. Give yourself a break and let yourself recover and be happy. Take care, and we hope to hear from you!

Rae

May 13, 2011
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One minute at a time
by: Rae

Hey Vanessa
I read your post earlier today and have been waiting all day until I could get to a computer and respond. Congratulations on 100 days...that is an incredible accomplishment! I'll be honest - the way you are feeling is normal. I sometimes find myself romanticizing the drug use, and the truth is it's completely counter productive. You and I both know that nothing I say can make you stay clean...that being said, I urge you and pray that you stick with it. The cravings DO and WILL pass..

Pray! Call someone. Do not use or drink under any and all circumstances..that is the only thing we have to do perfectly each and every day. When I relapsed 9 months ago, it was no different than it was before. Actually, that's not true - it was worse. The high lasted for a shorter amount of time, and I had to use more and more drugs to get that high. You are right when you talk about chasing that first high - you can never recapture it.

When I sit back and think about my life today, there is NO comparison to the life I had before. What I had when I was actively using and drinking was barely a life. I hear a lot of people in meetings talk about how it was just an existence - they were a shell of a person. That's how it was for me. I didn't care about anyone or anything, especially not myself. I sit here with 9 months sober and am telling you it gets easier. I am still early in sobriety, but my life is so full of happiness and love, and I wouldn't trade it for anything. No matter how bad your cravings are and no matter how bad you feel right now, it will pass- if you don't pick up a drink or a drug. Take it a day at a time, an hour at a time, a minute at a time if you have to. Get to a meeting if you can. Do something healthy to take your mind off the drug. If possible, try not to romanticize using, because I can promise you that the drugs will not live up to your expectations. The beauty of recover, being clean, and going to meetings, is that today, my life does live up to my expectations. My life today FAR surpasses my expectations, and it just gets better every day.

(continuing this into another comment)

May 13, 2011
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Keep fighting...
by: Nicole

My addiction problem varies a bit from yours, but I can say that I certainly know the feeling of "missing the lifestyle." Even at 100 days, I imagine that it's still hard to break yourself from that scene... I know for me, years down the road from my worst point, certain people and places can trigger an urge to return to bad habits. But, in all honesty, those moments are fleeting now, even when the biggest triggers are right in front of me. Sometimes it just takes a little while to "settle in" to a habit-free life.

Urges and cravings feel terrible, I know, but find strength from knowing that you can fight it! You have fought it for 100 days already, and that is a huge accomplishment!

Despite this current bump in the road and the difficulty you are having, there is a very healthy part of you in there... The part of you that wrote your story here, that is reaching out for help, and that knows that sobriety is more worthwhile than any high.

Please try to hold on to the fact that you are a strong, amazing woman, and you will find happiness again... A type of happiness you could never have had while using.

Congratulations on 100 days! I'm behind you, cheering you on, to days 101, 102, and on and on!

May 13, 2011
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Congratulations Vanessa!
by: Anonymous

Vanessa,

Congratulations on your 100 days! Be proud. I know it hasn't been easy.

I have so many things I would like to say to you, but there's limited space here. Also, my daughter can probably say it best. She will respond later.

Don't give up. You can be happy again, happier than you ever were on drugs. I have seen it happen. The cravings get better too. The happiness you think you had is an illusion.

Write here anytime you want. We care.

Shelby

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