recovery day #100
I'm happy that I have somewhere to share my thoughts and ideas.
I have been struggling just a little when I re-read my story. My goodness, I just got a euphoric recall of what it felt like when I was a dancer and the first time I tried oxy... for some demonic reason, I miss it.
Not just the drug, but the lifestyle.
There must be something fundamentally wrong with me. I know it wasn't as good as I'm making it out to be.
I'm 100 days clean and the destructive effects of drugs are far greater than the short term high.
And still I want it.
I want that feeling
I want to escape
I'm 100 days clean and here I am still desiring the high
And it will never be the same again right?
I mean I'll never be able to recapture that first high
I've also been recently diagnosed with borderline personality disorder...which in my mind I may or may not have.
Sometimes I wish I knew how to live normally and find satisfaction in life the way I did when I was a kid.
Maybe drugs fucked up my ability to be truly happy. Sometimes it feels like the only happiness I knew was on drugs..