Relationships - The Final Frontier
As an addict in active addiction, I spent my whole life enveloped in fear. Fear of people, fear of intimacy, fear of rejection, fear of everything really. Except taking drugs. I was pretty fearless when it came to that! In recovery, I've learnt to manage fear to a large extent. I function in society, am confident in my job, have a healthy self-esteem and have great confidence in my abilities, etc.
Then I meet a girl...
And it all collapses.
You see, I just want to be loved. I want to be accepted by a special someone for exactly who I am. I want that special someone to want to spend the rest of their life with me because, well, quite simply, because they think I'm wonderful, amazing, perfect... and I want it all to happen in the first week or two of meeting them! ... I know. I know. I have issues. High standards. Unrealistic expectations, blah, blah, blah.
For me, intimate relationships are the final frontier. I aim to boldly go where I've never really gone before. Only I'm not very bold. I'm scared!
I ask God to guide me and relieve me of these painfully intense fearful feelings but quite frankly, I think this is out of His league. I'm sure He's saying, "Damn it Paul, I'm all powerful and that but get a grip man. Stop being such a girl!"
So I'm left. A constant battle in my head. What should I say to her? What shouldn't I say? What do I do? How does she feel about me? What does she mean by that? Why hasn't she texted me back? She doesn't really like me that much, does she? She's going to meet the real me and then she'll definitely leave. How honest should I be with her? How much crazy do I let out this time? ... You get the picture right? It's torture!
But they're only feelings, yeah? I'll get over them ... eventually. I'm not using, I'm not feeling like using, I trust my God and all is well. Even though everything is a mess, all is well.
Finding the gratitude in the midst of all the confusion. Priceless!
As you can no doubt tell, I'm not long into a new relationship. Well, a relationship of sorts. It's complication. Isn't it always?!
I leave you with this final word ...