scared

by mario
(ensenada mexico)

ME AND MY DAUGHTER

ME AND MY DAUGHTER

Hello, im a 34 year old male. I'm a meth addict...and I'm scared!!!!



I started using meth when I was 20...before my 13 year old DAUGHTER was born...before meth I was really happy. I used to think i had everything under control... I had a beautiful wife and DAUGHTER...we had just purchased our first house...we had two cars..I even had a lowrider in my garage. I love lowriders I hope one day I have the time and money to build one all over again...


Life was good back then....too bad it did not last...everything I had is gone....my wife got tired of me...I did not know anything about my addiction...I did not want help...I'm happy that she did the right thing...now we are friends and I can see that she is happy....and my DAUGHTER is happy too...she marry a good man and I'm glad because i know that he cares alot for her.


I love my DAUGHTER like any other loving father. Her mother says that I am a great dad and she thanks me for being part of my daughter's life...all I can say is that my DAUGHTER is
the one that gives me hope..I don't know what my life would be like with out her...I love her with all my heart.



I'm not a bad person..I have a really big heart..I like to help people...I don't steal or cheat people..I'm a hard working person. I know some people take advantage of me and I don't even care...I guess I'm ok with that. I don't know why I keep using..I don't know if my childhood had anything to do with my addiction..


After my divorce I started to get out of control. I used to get high every day... I was living in my mother's garage in northwest Arkansas. My family is well known in the area...my mother's name is well known and she is loved by the Hispanic comunity....a lot of people knew who I was because I was running my family's business.


I even started my own business. People thought I was smart and they talked to me with respect and kindness...one day I went to a house and I started a conversation whith a person and he said "I cant believe I'm talking to you in person." I felt important.



After that I met a girl and we moved in together. I felt lonely and I did not want to be alone. I was not ready for a relationship but i did not know...she knew I was using meth. I guess she did not care, and I liked that. One day she told me she wanted to try it.


Our relationship got realy nasty. She began cheating on me with other men.I was a mess. My bussines did not last, so I started to help drug traffickers. I rented a house to use for a safe house for drugs and money. I am lucky nothing went wrong those days...just imagine...100 pounds of mariguana every 2 weeks...10 pounds of meth and 3 pounds of coke...I did not care.


My drug problem was getting worse, and one day I was talking to a friend and told him about my problem. He told me about a rehab program, and a week later I check into the program. I was happy. I used to think that i was going to get rid of drugs for good...


I was wrong. I was clean for 6 months. Rehab helped me a lot. I learned a lot about my addiction. I kept using for several years I had a good job, but one day I was at my work place and some DEA agents came and got me. I was charged with conspiracy to distribute a controlled substance and using the telephone to distribute a controlled substance.


So finally i got locked up..and worst, I got deported to Mexico. I lost my privilege to live and work in the US...I lived most of my life in Arkansas...all my family lives there - my mother and brothers. Now im here all alone in a diferent country. Life is not as easy here and I'm struggling to make it here.


I bless God it's been good to me...I found a good job. I know that I'm going to be ok here....it's not a bad place to live here. It's a tourist town so it's a lot like the US. I'm only 1 hour and 45 minutes away from San Diego.



My DAUGHTER came and spent last December here with me. I know I'm going to get through this but I'm scared to fail.



I'm scared....i started using again and I'm scared. I have to stop using. I need to start a family. I want to have 2 more kids im scared. I have a lot of dreams of being happy.....with out meth ......

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Jun 20, 2012
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Scared!
by: Trish

Mario,
It takes a lot to be so honest and I thank you for sharing!
Life is hard and you have made bad choices but that doesn't mean you can never live a full and happy life. It seems the things that are most important to you is your relationship with your daughter and the prospect of having a relationship again and having more kids. These things will never be fulfilling for you unless you are serious about getting sober.
I am an alcholic and I was addicted to Benzos and Opiates. I have been clean and sober now for two years. Getting sober was the best thing that ever happened to me. Sure, sometimes I have bad days, but I go to an AA meeting or call my sponser. It is very important for you to have the support that you need to get through this. Find and AA or an NA meeting in your area and commit to going every day, find a sponser, and work the 12 step program. In the AA big book it says "one day at a time" sometimes for me is is hour by hour. Just take baby steps and commit to being sober today. Tomorrow thank Him and then pray that he keeps ups you sober that day and so on.
Good luck and reach out in the way you have especially if you are having a bad day.
Trish

Jan 21, 2012
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I watched my daughter suffer from mether addiction
by: eafry.blogspot.com

And she is now in recovery (as am I). She is doing great now, and I share her story as well as mine on my blog. http://eafry.blogspot.com/2010/02/time-to-heal-part-iv.html

The fact that you are reaching out at all is a good sign. It is when we begin questioning and feeling fear that we are on the first steps to doing something.

I know from watching my daughter that meth is a horrible, horrible addiction. Her dad was addicted to it, (he's the one that introduced her, believe it or not), and he ended up attempting suicide.

I hope by the time you read this you are doing better. Good luck. My thoughts and prayers are with you.

E. A. Fry

Dec 13, 2011
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thanks
by: Anonymous

im with u on your comment. life is not hard its eazy we just maked dificult all the time...i know for sure that this are my final days using...thats my plan....my job its going to make my journey a success....and god knows what i wish for he is going to make things happen...because he loves us all no matter what..im going to be away for 20 days that means no using!!!!!!!im ready for that...im going to be away...i work in open sea...and my financial crisis is going to be ok....thats probably most of my worries...i feel down and depress because of that...money its very tempting but i got a plan for that...im going to move out of my neighborhood as soon as im back..thats the first thing im doing...i live with my uncle...he is not helping me at all..im sure he wants me to be worthless he makes comments that im never going to stop that i dont have control he..he was a heavy user he has never work in his life his mother send him money so he dont have to work...he acts like a nazy he...and thats no joke...but anyways i need to getme my own place...because thats part of my plan..im thinkin of getting marry next year...i met a girl past may...but not in person she is in the other side of the country far away..she is 28 never been marry no kids..she is very innocent and simple i love everything about her we talk alot on the phone...she and her sisters live in a small town no more than 200 persons live in that town she and her sister take care of her dad and work on a small farm they own..she has never seen a paycheck she likes to cook and knows how to make all kinds of chesse..she gets money from chesse that she sells they milk cows avery day she harvest corn and other things with her dad...her dad has done a good job with the sisters..he raise them alone her mother die when she was 13...i can never stop talking about her and guess what we havent even seen a picture of each other...she has never use a computer in her life she said she knows a girl that has a computer but she wants me to sent her a picture in the mail..i did once but the letter never got there.mail its not reliable here. she told me she is not ugly. i realy dont care if shes ugly...all i know she is got green eyes and she 136 pounds with brown long hair and red lips...well i hoping she likes me in person as she does on the phone ..........got to go thanks

Dec 12, 2011
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To Mario
by: Rae

Hi Mario,
Thank you so much for sharing your story with us! It sounds like you have been through A LOT, but your honesty is really admirable.


I can feel your pain when you are talking about being in Mexico and being alone and away from your family. I can also feel your pain when you are talking about being scared and wanting to stop but not being able to.


I believe that anyone can stop. If you are willing and open minded and honest, you can stop. I'm certainly not saying that it's easy, I'm just saying that it's possible. I hope you realize that you can achieve all of your hopes and dreams.


If you can stay clean and sober, you can have an amazing life. That doesn't mean it will be perfect - you may still be in Mexico without your family, but like you said, your daughter is happy and your ex is happy. You can have more kids, get married again - you can do anything you want! That's the beauty of getting sober.

Alcoholics Anonymous/Narcotics Anonymous Meetings are what helped me most in early sobriety. They helped me meet people who were also sober and who wanted to stay that way. I had people I could relate to and people I could call when I wanted to use drugs or drink. It was still hard, but having these meetings and meeting other people like me made me not feel so alone.

Thank you again for sharing your story, and I wish you nothing but the best!

Rae

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