sobriety brings everything alcohol promised.

by becca
(united states)

Hi my name is Becca, and I’m an alcoholic.



My whole life had been surrounded by some sort of addiction. I was born in a family with an alcoholic/addict father. I thank god every day I have an amazing mother to overpower the pain I felt growing up without someone I had to call daddy. He left our family when I was only eight years old, leaving his daughter and son behind because getting drunk and high was more important.


I never understood how someone could do that until the day I looked in the mirror and saw myself as him. I became the person I hated so much. This is my story;



I had my first drink at the age of 13. I loved it.. everything about it. And at first it was the solution to my depression and anxiety. I felt the most free I have ever felt, like I was reborn. I found the magic in alcohol just from that first sip. I spent my high school career only caring about when I could drink next. I was obsessed with that next drink. Nothing else seemed to matter. The partying had gotten me into trouble at home which resulted in four hospitalizations and one arrest.


I still didn’t learn my lesson though; I continued to drink. Even after smoking weed laced with PCP and ending up in the hospital, that didn’t stop me. The insanity of this disease is scary. I had no fear. When I graduated high school is when it started to go downhill. I jumped from relationship to relationship. I needed that validation because I hated myself - everything about myself. This ended me up in a few very abusive relationships. You know they say “the person you date is the exact reflection of who you are and what you think you deserve.”


My very last relationship was the worst. Drugs, alcohol and fighting consumed the entire thing. I loved him though, even with all the lies, the bruises, and the fights.. I loved the chaos. The lifestyle I had was nothing but abnormal, but it felt so right. Having no money due to our addiction led to us selling drugs. Sometimes it was my pills, or it was being the “middle man” in crack deals.


The stress between us got too great and ended our relationship in one last fight. The scars left on my heart hurt more than the bruises he left all over my body. A quote that best describes this feeling is “it’s like you’re screaming, and no one can hear, you almost feel ashamed, that someone could be that important, that without them, you feel like nothing, no one will ever understand how much it hurts, you feel hopeless, like nothing can save you, and when it’s over, and it’s gone, you almost wish that you could have all that bad stuff back, so that you could have the good.”


When the relationship was over I went on a two month straight drinking binge. I would do anything for a bottle, whether I had to steal, pawn valuables, or have sex with a guy. I degraded myself just to feel ok, to stop the shaking. Just to hide the pain of what had happened to me. And every time I degraded myself it was another reason to drink. It was a vicious cycle. I felt trapped, lost, and broken. I’ve hurt a lot of people during those two months.


I was walking through hell everyday but I was dragging the people who care right behind me. I’ve put my mother through unbearable pain. She never knew if she was going to get a phone call saying her only daughter is dead. The sad part of it is that I was praying and praying I would die. I put myself in situations where the possibilities of my life ending were great. I’ve come to near death experiences more times than I can count. Ranging from alcohol poisoning to drunk driving to getting involved with gang members. I didn’t value life anymore. I felt I had no reason to live.


I couldn’t stop drinking on my own, it was nearly impossible. I ended up in two different rehabs from September to December. Relapse is a part of my story. This disease is very powerful -everyday I’m sober that monster is doing pushups, getting stronger, waiting for me to slip, so it can drag me back to hell. I have 33 days sober today.


Today, even though most days are beyond shitty and my emotions drown me, at moments I feel a genuine happiness that can’t be found in a bottle, a pill, or a guy. I feel grateful that I can look at myself in the mirror and say “I’m not a bad person.” I can’t change my past and no matter how dirty my past is, my future is absolutely spotless. I take it day by day and I do not drink no matter what. Addiction is what I have, NOT WHO I AM.

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Jan 09, 2015
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Your Story
by: Anonymous

Dear Becca,
We all addicts including myself have similar
Stories. The greatest miracle is that you are
Here to tell your story. You are loved, supported,
And you are not alone. I am grateful for your
Courage. Many Blessings Mary W.

Jan 07, 2013
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God bless you Becca
by: Sean

Hi Becca.

Thanks ever so much for sharing your story, it is not an easy thing to do but a very therapeutic one on the road to recovery.

I could relate to everything you said vividly, even though my addiction of 'choice' is gambling. I hit my rock bottom in February 2006, but am climbing my way back one day at a time.

I too decided to put my story in writing - www.tinyurl.com/gamblerstale - and am so glad I did. It has relieved the pressure, and is also hopefully a way of helping fellow addicts explore their own thoughts and feelings.

All the very best Becca.

Sean

Oct 11, 2012
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odat
by: JudyB

One day at a time got me 20 years and 9 months. You can do the same!

Jun 18, 2012
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Hang In There
by: Patricia

Hi Beca,
It's amazing how similar our stories are. I started drinking at age 8. Alcohol ran freely at my house as both of my parents are alcholics. I also knew from that first drink that I had to have a lot more. By age 12 I was a full blown alcoholic and would even take gin to school in my Micky Mouse flask and keep it in my locker.

Thank you for sharing your story. The more you share the more you will realize that you are not alone. Some people will have simlar and even worse stories that ours. Have you found an AA meeting that you like? Do you have a sponser yet? These are very important. I resisted at first, I thought that I could do it on my own and that I didn't need or want to share at the meetingsand I didn't want a sponser. The truth is I would never have made it without these things and I will be sober 2 years on July 5th.

Please always know that we are here for each other. If you need to talk message me back. Stay strong in your sobriety!


Patricia :)

Feb 15, 2012
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So proud of you!
by: Shelby

Hi, Becca,

I am so moved by your story and equally moved by Rae's response to it. I am crying - tears of sorrow for what you've been through and tears of happiness for what Rae has become and what you have become and can continue to be.

You sound so intelligent, so mature, so aware of yourself ... it reminds me of Rae and I believe with all my heart, you can do this. While addiction is a terrible disease, you can overpower it with strength and determination.

I wish you could see the difference between the person Rae was and the person she is now. I loved her the same throughout. But the difference is the love I see her giving herself now. And you deserve that too.

I know you are going through rough times now. I remember all too well the first weeks and months after Rae became sober. It was a struggle for her. But fighting and winning the battle is SO worth it! My daughter is a happy, funny, sweet, thoughtful, compassionate .....I could go on and on about the great qualities that shine from her these days. But without sobriety, we wouldn't be able to see them. And what a loss.

I can tell you have many wonderful qualities also. Keep fighting so that not only can the world benefit from your life, but so that you can find peace and enjoy living. I can tell from watching Rae that it does get easier. She's different this month than she was last and certainly different than 6 months ago and a year ago. It's easy to see that while she may still have her moments, the struggle is nothing like it was last month or last year.

When I read about Whtney Houston's death or when I think about a very dear friend of mine who was found dead in her bathtub when she was just about your and Rae's age, I thank God that Rae was able to turn her life around. You can too and it sounds like you are ready. As Rae said, be very proud of your 33 days. That is no small feat. Many never get that far.

But you can go further if you want it badly enough. 33 days can indeed, one day at a time, turn into 43 days and 63 days and 6 months and a year ..... I love your comment "I can’t change my past and no matter how dirty my past is, my future is absolutely spotless." You are so right. The past is not important. It is gone. It does not make you who you are. You can have a great future, and while it won't be truly spotless (life brings ups and downs to all of us and we all continue to make mistakes), it can be free of drugs and alcohol.

I wish you nothing but the best. I can tell you from watching someone go through exactly what you are going through and come out on the other side, that it is SO worth it, and that it CAN be done.

I hope you will stay in touch with us. We will all be cheering for you.

Wishing you the very best,
Shelby (Rae's Mom)

Feb 14, 2012
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To Becca
by: Rae

Hi Becca,
Thanks so much for writing in and sharing your story. I see so many similarities in our stories that it's scary. It's a good reminder how insane the disease of addiction can be.

It doesn't matter who we are or where we came from - addiction brings us all down to such a horrible place that it's unbearable. We end up thinking that we are bad people and we don't deserve anything good. I know that I also loved the chaos of my lifestyle. I knew how awful and self destructive it was, but I was drawn to it.

As much as I love being sober, there are certainly times that I still miss the lifestyle. I certainly don't want to go back to where I was, but it can be very seductive.

I can certainly relate to how you feel about dragging your loved ones along with you. I put my family and friends through so much - it's hard to believe that they are still standing beside me and supporting me - happily! The only way I can thank them for being there for me and show them how grateful I am for their love and support is to live my life with integrity and to stay clean and sober.

Congratulations on 33 days - that is something you should be very proud of. Relapses are hard - I have been there. It's hard to get back on your feet and start over at day 1, but it gets better. I had 10 months clean and then I relapsed. i didn't know how I would get through the days and how I would do it sober. 18 months later, I can tell you it gets easier and it gets better.

I have bad days just like everyone does, but life is fantastic. In the past 18 months, I have gained SO much. I don't just mean material things, though I certainly save a lot of money when I'm not spending it on drugs and alcohol. The way that I feel about myself and the way that I appreciate my life today is something I never had when I was actively drinking and using. It's something that I never want to give up.

You are definitely not a bad person! Addiction does terrible things to us, but there is always a way out. It sounds like you know that and are working to stay 'out' which is truly a blessing. Congratulations again and thank you so much for sharing your story!

Take care,
Rae

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