(Rochester New York)
It seemed, at least for me, the hardest part was having people around that understood. REALLY got it, Addiction. Mine is pills, those little demons in the palm of my hand.
I wrote this sort of "story" to exsplain in a way a non addict would understand that dark abyss we know as addiction..here its is, THE WORM:
Its so warm inside this cocoon, floating, shining.. there's no pain, every day breezes by like your being carried by the angels themselves. Curled up blissfully in this womb of light.. i never want to leave. I stay. Days..months....years. Time no longer exists. Only the bliss.
Whats that sound? Sort of like muffled voices, as if I'm sitting on the bottom of a pool and I'm hearing voices of people above..i cant make any of the words out. They sound frantic, i shake it off..drink the water. More bliss. I sleep..
1,2,3,4....panic. Why am i counting? My divine cacoon feels cold and splintered..1,2,3...i keep counting..
Soaring above the trees i see faces looking up at me, some i know, some i don't. It doesn't matter, I'm so high, so warm.. i laugh a bit and think, pathetic ants. I'm God up here, up high, unreachable.. then i see a face that turns the sky black. A little face, a beautiful little girls face. My daughter!
I'm falling! Its all black, cold..i crash through the earth, rocks, mud, i cant breath or see anymore. I stop.Open my eyes.
"Is this a dream? One long dream?" My eyes are dry, my skin is water logged and brittle. The air is hot and hard to breath. I stand up inside a small pocket of earth, spider webs all around, attached to me. I'm naked, frail and weak.
Shaking, my vision clears..i look down and see a slimy, black cord coming out of my belly button and into the darkness..PANIC.. i touch it and it moves like a tentacle into the black.. i follow it to its end, its vile disturbing end.
A worm, pulsating in the black.. its segmented, slimy body FILLED with pills and blood, my blood. I hear a voice, an awful voice, echo from the worm
"Its warm here, let me take you again, back to sleep, back to the bliss you DESERVE. Its heaven here, out there is hell.
Tears and pain and sickness. Stay."
Despite knowing going "back under" would be the bliss i came to know as my air, my nourishment, would be like handing bits of my life to the worm.. i entertained the idea. So easy, no struggle. I could never dig myself out, maybe once i got stronger, maybe ill stay a while longer...
More tentacles from the worm attach to my body, i grow sleepy, warm again.Power begins to surge through my veins again. I fall to my knees into the dirt. Before the cocoon envelops me again, a faint burst of my daughters face appears before me and is gone again in a flash.I realize the worm is taking my memories of her away, draining me of the life we have together.
I say out loud.."I'm selfish" and i begin to cry, tears flowing down, and like salt being poured onto a snail, the tentacles bubble and release from my body.
In one painful blast i wake again under water, fight or flight kicks in, i struggle for the surface, the cold water wrapping around my body like shards of glass ripping me apart but i don't care, my daughter is on the shore waiting for me, i can hear her calling me!
My hearts racing, my muscles feel like they're going to explode, then finally i break the surface. I crawl to shore, vomiting tar and blood, the skin rips from my finger tips as i pull myself through ice cold sand.
I MADE IT. I AM strong enough. My body is broken, my mind is newborn again, and there she is. The shining light in the dark.
We leave the shore, but i can still hear the worm, calling from the waves. Promising bliss and pleasure, but I'm too busy to listen, i focus on the laughter from my daughter, i focus on her tiny arms wrapped around me when she hugs me.I WANT THIS LIFE, even with the pain and sickness, i want THIS LIFE.
What ive learned is that addiction doesnt make life better, it just makes it easier.. and nothing easily earned is worth it at all. Id rather FIGHT every day, than be in the dark, alone and on my knees with that worm.
So FIGHT. YOU CAN make it out.