It has been 6 weeks since my daughter went into treatment for drug addiction in an inpatient treatment facility following a cocaine overdose. If you've read other sections of our website, you may know that before this happened, she had 10 months of sobriety. That period of sobriety followed a long history of drug and alcohol abuse of which I did not have knowledge.
When I first learned of her alcohol drug abuse problem, I was shocked. Her relapse after 10 months of sobriety was equally shocking and in some ways more horrifying.Today I am in tremendous pain. I think I have been holding myself together for the last 6 weeks because I had to or maybe I was in a stage of shock or ...I'm not sure. Today, the floodgates opened and my hours of tears this afternoon have left my body aching, my eyes swollen, and my nerves stretched taut.
I think I am going through another necessary transition, another growth spurt on the road to a better understanding of the disease of drug and alcohol addiction. A necessary step to being able to survive and even be ok as the Mom of a drug addict.
Part of me feels like a fool again. I once again missed the signs of cocaine use. Actually, maybe that's not true. When my daughter said she was ill for several days that week-end 6 long weeks ago, I started to feel some suspicion when I saw her.
Her frequent trips to the bathroom also concerned me. I knew enough about cocaine addiction symptoms to be suspicious, but she said her stomach was upset and I wanted to believe her.
I also was scared to question her, accuse her, about something that she perhaps wasn't guilty of. She had been sober for 10 months and very honest and I didn't want to break that trust if she hadn't.
I wonder again, as usual, if I could have done something to change things, to prevent things ...but I'm pretty sure I couldn't have. I think that's what causes the most pain, even today. The pain of not being able to protect my daughter is unbearable. To have to leave her welfare under her own control seems the absolute opposite of the very essence of Motherhood.
I want to know where she is at every moment. I want to know what she is doing every moment. I want to know if she's hurting, if she's having cravings, if she's feeling desperate ...I want to wipe it all away, prevent it, fix it, save her from herself.
It hurts so badly that I cannot do any of that. My pain is raw tonight. I want to write encouraging things about treatment for drug addiction. I want to contribute drug addiction information that will be uplifting for other parents who are struggling. I want to encourage those in need to seek treatment in a drug and alcohol rehab center. I want to be part of a movement that provides drug addiction help to those who need it, especially our young children.
But today I am of no help to anyone. I can barely help myself. I will go to bed tonight and pray and then read the latest addiction book I have found. I read constantly looking for pain relief for myself. As my daughter pursues treatment for drug addiction, I pursue treatment for my pain and worry.
My current reading material, Beautiful Boy, is painful to read. I feel like I'm reading my life story. And it hurts. Yet, I know that on the other side of my pain will be peace and better understanding. So I keep reading.
There is help. There is hope. That I know. If you are reading this and need treatment for drug addiction, please know that it is out there. Readily available. Even if your finances are suffering.
If you have a loved one who needs a drug alcohol rehab program, help them find it. Don't hide from the drug abuse symptoms. Face up to the drug abuse facts. Nothing will get better until you do and things could get a whole lot worse.
As for my daughter, I am very proud of her. Her relapse was short, though severe and she has bravely stayed away from home for all these weeks in order to receive treatment for drug addiction.
Being away from home was always very difficult for her. As a child, she never would stay away at sleep-away camp. She gets terribly homesick. This has not been easy for her. But she has persevered and my admiration for her is boundless.
I hope she knows how much I love her, how proud I am, how non-judgmental I am and will always be of her, and that she can never do anything to fail me. My prayer and goal for her is that she is happy and healthy and doesn't fail her own goals for herself. She has my love and support and admiration no matter what and now and forever.
If you are in need of treatment for drug addiction or know someone who is, do not be embarrassed, do not be angry. Be supportive, love yourself and others, and get the help you need. It is a painful journey, but the alternative would be so much worse.