scared

By Mario, from Ensenada, Mexico

Hello, im a 34 year old male. I’m a meth addict…and I’m scared!!!!

I started using meth when I was 20…before my 13 year old DAUGHTER was born…before meth I was really happy. I used to think i had everything under control… I had a beautiful wife and DAUGHTER…we had just purchased our first house…we had two cars..I even had a lowrider in my garage. I love lowriders I hope one day I have the time and money to build one all over again…

Life was good back then….too bad it did not last…everything I had is gone….my wife got tired of me…I did not know anything about my addiction…I did not want help…I’m happy that she did the right thing…now we are friends and I can see that she is happy….and my DAUGHTER is happy too…she marry a good man and I’m glad because i know that he cares alot for her.

I love my DAUGHTER like any other loving father. Her mother says that I am a great dad and she thanks me for being part of my daughter’s life…all I can say is that my DAUGHTER is
the one that gives me hope..I don’t know what my life would be like with out her…I love her with all my heart.

I’m not a bad person..I have a really big heart..I like to help people…I don’t steal or cheat people..I’m a hard working person. I know some people take advantage of me and I don’t even care…I guess I’m ok with that. I don’t know why I keep using..I don’t know if my childhood had anything to do with my addiction..

After my divorce I started to get out of control. I used to get high every day… I was living in my mother’s garage in northwest Arkansas. My family is well known in the area…my mother’s name is well known and she is loved by the Hispanic comunity….a lot of people knew who I was because I was running my family’s business.

I even started my own business. People thought I was smart and they talked to me with respect and kindness…one day I went to a house and I started a conversation whith a person and he said “I cant believe I’m talking to you in person.” I felt important.

After that I met a girl and we moved in together. I felt lonely and I did not want to be alone. I was not ready for a relationship but i did not know…she knew I was using meth. I guess she did not care, and I liked that. One day she told me she wanted to try it.

Our relationship got realy nasty. She began cheating on me with other men.I was a mess. My bussines did not last, so I started to help drug traffickers. I rented a house to use for a safe house for drugs and money. I am lucky nothing went wrong those days…just imagine…100 pounds of mariguana every 2 weeks…10 pounds of meth and 3 pounds of coke…I did not care.

My drug problem was getting worse, and one day I was talking to a friend and told him about my problem. He told me about a rehab program, and a week later I check into the program. I was happy. I used to think that i was going to get rid of drugs for good…

I was wrong. I was clean for 6 months. Rehab helped me a lot. I learned a lot about my addiction. I kept using for several years I had a good job, but one day I was at my work place and some DEA agents came and got me. I was charged with conspiracy to distribute a controlled substance and using the telephone to distribute a controlled substance.

So finally i got locked up..and worst, I got deported to Mexico. I lost my privilege to live and work in the US…I lived most of my life in Arkansas…all my family lives there – my mother and brothers. Now im here all alone in a diferent country. Life is not as easy here and I’m struggling to make it here.

I bless God it’s been good to me…I found a good job. I know that I’m going to be ok here….it’s not a bad place to live here. It’s a tourist town so it’s a lot like the US. I’m only 1 hour and 45 minutes away from San Diego.

My DAUGHTER came and spent last December here with me. I know I’m going to get through this but I’m scared to fail.

I’m scared….i started using again and I’m scared. I have to stop using. I need to start a family. I want to have 2 more kids im scared. I have a lot of dreams of being happy…..with out meth….